Memoir Writing 101: On Being Vulnerable
The first step in any memoir writing is having the willingness to open up and be vulnerable. If you can't, then your memoir is going to kind of suck (well, unless your memoir is about some kind of house rehab, or something else that has nothing to really do with you personally, which is cool, those are fun to read, too).
But for the rest of us, we have to be willing to showcase our true and whole selves, our nasty parts as well as our good parts. We have to lay our pain at the feet of our reader, and hope they don't judge us for it. In fact, we have to know that they will judge us and we have to be able to be okay with that. It's a scary prospect. Possibly the scariest thing we'll ever have to do (or, at least, one of the scariest things).
Life is messy. Life is cruel. And we have to know that the ones that judge us for these parts of ourselves we normally hide aren't the ones we're trying to connect to. I mean, maybe somewhere deep down inside, at a future date, those people will get it. But the ones we're trying to connect to with our stories are the ones who immediately let go of the breath they weren't aware they were holding in and who soften their shoulders and say "Finally, I'm not the only one, someone else gets it." Those are the ones we're writing for (although, the person we're truly writing for is ourselves).
Even if nobody gets it. Even if nobody cares about what we have to say, it's still worth writing. It's still worth exploring ideas, and themes, and what voice we're going to use and how we want to convey our deepest hurts, pains, and joys. It doesn't matter if one person reads it, or a thousand or more. None of that matters. What matters is having the bravery to open up ourselves onto the page and pouring out everything we are, even though it may be the most terrifying thing we ever do. Even though we may stow those stories away somewhere or erase them later, with no one ever seeing it but us. Even if it's on a private blog or in a notebook somewhere that gets burned after we're done. Or even if it becomes a bestseller that gets turned into TV show or movie. Or even if it's just a book a couple people read, and they either love it or hate it. The issue is not what happens after you write your memoir, it's what happens during. It's all about pushing yourself to be brave, even when you feel horribly afraid to expose everything that you are and have been up until now.
Yes, my first memoir seemed to be about other people, but in reality, it wasn't. It's about me. It's about how much of me was like those assholes around me, and how much I didn't understand them then, but I do now. It's partially about forgiveness, because I get it now. But more than me forgiving them, it's about me forgiving myself and coming to terms that nobody is perfect. It's about how I affected some of these people in my life just as much as they affected me, if not worse. When we can look deeply into the vast abyss of the soul and swim in the waters without shying away from the hurt, broken, scary, bad, and shameful parts? That's when we know we're hitting on exactly what needs to be said in order to heal ourselves and others. When we can open up to what pains us, we can help others open up to their pain as well.
Shame is the number one reason we shy away from the dark recesses of our memories. We become ashamed of ourselves so much that we create coping mechanisms to block our memories of shame. Buddhism calls these bits of shame that are tied up inside of us "fetters" or "knots". When we can untie the knots, we become unburdened. One way to untie these knots of shame is to open them up and inspect them and go through each one, exposing them for what they truly are: lies we were told about ourselves or lies that we created for ourselves because of the disapproval of others. We lie to ourselves about being broken, bad, or terrible. We aren't these things, but we all feel that we are due to abuse, teasing, or otherwise. We are made to feel we are hard to love or don't deserve love. We are told we are difficult or awful. And when we hear these things, the rest just gets filled in by our own brains. So we bind up these feelings, these "fetters" or "knots" inside of us, and use precious energy every single day to hide them, from both ourselves and others.
Writing our memoir(s) help untie these knots. Even funny memoirs. It helps us to shed light in these dark recesses and instead of working hard to try to hide them all time. It gives us a release. A place to be real and authentically us. Brene Brown talks about vulnerability in her Netflix show called "Call To Courage". She talks about how important it is for us to be vulnerable because it's "the birthplace of things like love and joy". We can't truly be happy in life unless we can be truly ourselves. And the only way to be truly yourself, is to be vulnerable and honest (and honest about being vulnerable). She also says "we can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you're willing to be".
Writing a memoir is courageous, all by itself. But being completely vulnerable and honest in your memoir, without excuses? Is being heroic, valiant, and noble (not that I think these things about myself, ha!). The more vulnerable we are in our memoirs? The more we help others realize just how human they really are. That they aren't weird, strange, horrible, or awful. They are human. Just like you. Just like me. Just like everyone. Those that that pretend they are perfect? Are living in fear. They are afraid of being exposed. And while that's normal, too, they have no place writing a memoir. At least not until they can come to terms with their humanity and are ready to do the work it takes to truly open up.
So, what does being vulnerable mean?
For one, it means honesty. It means being honest with yourself and your readers that you aren't perfect. It means that you make mistakes and don't mind looking silly or being judged (or at least you try not to mind) when someone reads about them. It also means accepting responsibility for your actions in life. And it means being open about your pain, your sorrow, your unkindnesses, and your follies. It means to open up those raw spots of fear and be honest about how much they affect your life. It means to show where your wounds lay upon your soul and how you go about tending to them. It means to tell the world what you need, even if you never get it from anyone but yourself.
Though it doesn't mean to tell others all your business, unless you're comfortable doing so. It doesn't mean to share something that's still so raw inside of you that you can't access it without breaking down. It doesn't mean to be self-defeating, out of fear that others won't like what you write unless you remind them you hate yourself. Yes, you can tell them you hate yourself. But don't hurt yourself in your memoir just to please the masses. That's not true honesty. True honesty is to show the parts others won't like and not give a shit if they like it or not. It's not easy to do, especially if you're a guarded person, but you don't have to publish those parts (or publish at all), you just have to write them (and erase/burn/store etc. them after if you like). Being honest on paper is the first step towards unburdening yourself of your pain.
I'm not just talking about what happened to you. I'm talking about how you felt about it, how it affected you, and most importantly, how it still affects you today. And not only that, to investigate how you affected others in your life, too.
It's scary, to put yourself out there. It's scary to open yourself up to scrutiny. But if it's going to emotionally and mentally hurt you to do so? Then don't do it. Wait. Write something else. But when you're ready to write about it, then do it. Or write it and destroy it, so you're the only person who reads it. Whatever you choose, it doesn't matter. What matters is growth. And the only way to grow is to be vulnerable in your life. With yourself. With others. With writing. With everything. When you can untie those knots in your life, you become authentically you. And what sounds better than that?
Here is more about Brene Brown's Netflix special:
https://writersinthestormblog.com/2019/05/top-10-success-tips-from-brene-brown/
And while these posts are about fiction, you can apply it to memoirs, too:
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/why-self-conscious-writers-are-doomed/
https://writersinthestormblog.com/2019/05/dare-to-be-vulnerable-in-your-writing-life/
http://inspireportal.com/7-ways-to-embrace-your-vulnerability-and-write-your-truth/
https://herahub.com/resources/vulnerability-in-writing-and-storytelling/
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